"lost" according to google:
do i feel out of control, confused, destroyed, bemused, helpless, unable to function? yes and yes. and i can't stand feeling lost. but am i doomed, destroyed, incapable of being recovered or regained? am i, in fact, lost?
i offer this explanation, from a journal entry i wrote a month ago yesterday, before i felt lost or knew i'd feel so:
You know when you turn off the light at night and everything looks completely pitch-black because your eyes haven't adjusted to the dark yet, and even though you can't see a thing you can flop down in precisely the right spot on your bed because you know exactly where it is because that's where it has always been despite the fact that you can't see it at all? Yeah, that's kind of how it is.
am i lost because my bedroom is pitch-black and my eyes haven't focused yet? no, i could never be lost in my own bedroom, finding my way to my own bed.
do i "see" God, can i find my moorings right now, when my eyes, my heart have yet to adjust to the change in landscape since eliza died? no. but does that mean that i'm lost, that He isn't where He's always been? no. just like my bed hasn't moved even though my eyes can't see it, neither has God left me in the dark because my heart can't see Him.
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord; I want to see You.