Monday, April 27, 2009


sometimes words feel graceful. slippery, even, they slide out on their own. like i couldn't hang onto them even if i tried. other times, they're awkward. always just the wrong one. and there are some things they just don't make words for.

and then there are the times that someone else's words fit just right. i didn't think this was one of those times.

God, if you're there, I wish you'd show me,
And, God, if you care, then I need you to know me.
I hope you don't mind me asking the questions but
I figure you're big enough. And I am not big enough.

on saturday, i heard that song for the first time in a long time. it's a song i knew so well once, but before saturday, if you had asked me to sing "big enough" by chris rice, i would probably not have even remembered the tune. but as soon as i heard it, all the words came back.

and got stuck in my head.

i used to think they were pretty cheesy words, to tell the truth. convenient rhyme. nice tune. catchy. but not all that deep. not my words, they didn't fit all that well. but that song does get stuck in my head. i heard those words--again and again and again--in the soundtrack in my head all night and all day sunday.

and i think heard it for the first time.

and then sunday night, i sat down to start a new book, a mother's rule of life by holly pierlot, and read in it this prayer, prayed by the author at an admittedly low point in her walk with God:

God, if you're there, I figure it's your responsibility to show yourself to me. I've done everything I can with my life here. If you want me to get to know you, you need to reveal yourself to me; and it's up to you, because if you are God, I'm sure you can find a way.

i don't believe in coincidences. so i'm listening.

i think, when i used to hear that song, i used to have in mind my big--and not so big--intellectual questions. the i-can't-wait-'til-i-get-to-heaven-and-can-ask-God-about-that questions. free will and predestination. mosquitoes. all those planets. the stuff i lose sleep over when i have nothing else to lose sleep over. but i'm not sure i care all that much about those questions anymore.

i am not big enough. amen. that is the part i'm hearing for the first time. i am not big enough to work out anyone's--even my own--will or destination. i am not big enough to figure out the tiniest little bug or the biggest universe.

and i'm thinking i can be glad that i'm not big enough.

i'm a story-reader, not so much a fan of poetry. give me well-developed characters, gripping plot twists and turns, soul-full dialogue. all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (okay, so shakespeare and i have more than a little bit of history, but really never the sonnets. really.). i believe real life is full of great stories, and those are some great ones to read. the real ones. jacob. job. Jesus.

so i've never been so much into the psalms. poetry and all that. but this weekend's words that i couldn't escape reminded me of some other good words, words that haven't really seemed to fit before.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. (Psalm 42:1-3,43:2-3)

if david, the Lord's anointed, could ask God, "where are you? and are you big enough? because i am not big enough," then i figure i'm in pretty good company if i do the same. i'm going to quit losing sleep asking for explanations of the things i'm not big enough to hold. i'm going to let God hold those things for me, like He has always wanted to. i'm going to ask God to show me and know me and bring me to dwell with Him. simple, really. honest. and raw. and i trust that He wants to hear it.

and i'm going to remember to thank Him, too, that i'm just not big enough.

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