...and i know that it is a moment that will never leave me...and i know that i must stop it from haunting me, come to terms with the worst nightmare i have ever faced...because i must remember that everything happens for a reason...and i must never forget...and i must try not to remember so i can sleep...He must have a reason, and i must be comforted by that...
but i haven't stopped crying and haven't stopped asking Him for the reason. i saw him again, saw his family crying and his friends crying and everyone who was there that day crying. but he looked happy. and i know he must know the reason. i hope fred knows the reason. because i know that eventually i will stop crying, all of us here will stop crying. and i hope fred knows the reason.
(i hadn't read those words in almost fifteen years until just yesterday. i had forgotten i wrote those words. i forgot the questions. did i ever learn the answers?)
throughout eliza's life and now in her death, people have shared with me the stories of how she has touched their lives. i have heard from people quite literally all over the world about what they have learned from her story. while part of me treasures these stories and is grateful for the reminder of God's big purpose for her little life, part of me just wishes He had chosen someone else's daughter. is this really necessary? can't He find some other way to reach people? part of me just isn't interested in being used in this way, thank-you-very-much. part of me would prefer to decide for myself how God can use me and my family and how He can't. thank-you-very-much.
a long while ago, i stopped asking why. i stopped asking if this was necessary, if my daughter's suffering and my daughter's death and my family's loss and my family's suffering was necessary.
and i'm thankful today as i remember two mothers who lost their sons--unnecessarily?--that i don't get to decide, and that it doesn't matter if i ask.
God knows better, in fact. (God uses everything for good--oh, how i've hated hearing that some days!). did that mother, the one who lost her son unnecessarily once upon a time almost fifteen years ago, hear the same thing?
i know i didn't tell her. after all, i'm not sure i even knew. but i do know now that the questions i asked then have made all the difference.
would i tell her now, if i knew where to find her, even knew her name? would it be a comfort to her now, almost fifteen years later, to know that in her son's death, God was working on saving a life?
perhaps one day, in about fifteen years, i'll know.
is this necessary, then? separation? suffering? death? longing? God, is this really necessary?
once upon a time, almost two thousand years ago, a mother lost her son. necessarily. and i'm wondering what it was like for all those people who watched that mother lose her son as they realized the impact He had on their lives--realized He had saved their lives--i'm wondering what they said to that mother who lost her son. was it a comfort to her: it's all necessary!...God planned it...had to do it...the only way...for Love...was it a comfort to her a few days later? a few months later? almost fifteen years later?
or did she just wish He had picked someone else's child? she who had carried this child, her child, the Christ, for thirty-three years. did she just wish it had been someone else's son?