doing what i can't

have you ever had the feeling that someone--or Someone--planned church just for you on a particular day? the sermon today was about seeking the kingdom, i think, but that wasn't the part for me. you'll need some backstory, though, before i get to that part.

as many of you will have heard by now, anastasia has earned a new nickname: anastasia the great. here she is, in all her chubby glory, about a week ago:

luke weighed 6lbs. 9oz. when he was born at 39 weeks gestation. eliza weighed in at 6lbs. 8oz. at her 38 week birth. at this 36 week ultrasound, anastasia's estimated weight was 8lbs. 2oz. the sonographer's comment: "i hope you don't have too many newborn-size clothes!"

it was amazing and amusing for a few minutes. but of course, it would have to get more complicated than that.

in fact, anastasia is disproportionately fat around the middle. she's average sized everywhere else--head circumference, femur length, etc.--but extra large in the abdomen (something like her mother right now, as i imagine it!). it's a long story, but the gist is that babies shaped like this are at an increased risk of shoulder dystocia, that is, getting stuck halfway out during delivery.

apart from the fact that experiencing such a birth sounds horrible to me, it's also a dangerous situation for a baby. i won't go into a lot of details, but the point is, though it's a smallish risk, it's one to avoid. thus have ensued conversations about c-sections and such; i'll have to keep you posted, as nothing is decided yet.

if you know me, you'll guess i've spent the last week reading anything and everything i can about shoulder dystocia and c-sections. i know better than to just read whatever comes up on google, of course, but there's plenty of reliable information out there. and sam and i have talked and prayed and asked questions and all that jazz. i wouldn't say i've been worried, per se, but i have been preoccupied. as if i have any control at all, i'd really rather avoid any trauma this time around, thankyouverymuch. as if i have any control at all.

today at church, while our rector had plenty of good things to say to all of us about seeking the kingdom, God had some select words for me about this situation specifically. first, it was the opening hymn:

While all that borrows life from you
Is ever in your care,
And everywhere that I may be
You, God, are present there.

then it was the collect of the day:

Most loving Father, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our care on you who care for us: Preserve us from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds of this mortal life may hide from us the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever.

and then the Gospel reading, from matthew 6, which i can't help but prefer in the king james version:

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

okay, i'm listening. i'll stop googling and start being patient. "I've done what I can, it seems, and now I have to do what I can't. Wait" (from The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver).