that's just not how my brain is working these days. these days, i'm lost in the practical. so that's what i'll blog about. i'm not usually an unedited stream of consciousness kind of girl, but today's that kind of day. stick around if you're curious about what's up...but not if you're looking for inspiration. don't say you haven't been warned.
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my due date is six weeks away. luke was born one week early; eliza, two. is it possible that i'm down to a month until anastasia arrives? the trick is that i am a perfect combination of procrastinator and (obsessive) deadline-meeter, which means that i always leave my work until the last possible second but never fail to get it done in time. so i'm naturally inclined to spend these last weeks procrastinating--tons of church work, plenty of housework--until the very last minute. the problem is that i have no idea when said last minute will be. (thus the fact that with both of my children, i packed my hospital bag while i was already in labor.) i've decided to set myself the artificial deadline of march 1 to be "ready," whatever that means. i'm hoping i can fool myself into believing that is a legitimate deadline. and i'm well aware that i'm setting myself up to loathe every day after march 1 that i spend still pregnant. but sometimes those are just the kind of risks you have to take, i guess. i'll let you know.
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meanwhile, we're slowly starting to get our heads around what it's going to mean to have a baby in the house again. we're realizing that luke has become pretty accustomed to life as an only child of sorts, with two parents as constant conversation partners and frequent slaves. we've decided to start helping him embrace his myriad abilities to do for himself as a nearly seven-and-a-half year old. so far, this has resulted among other things in a good deal of celebration of his newly-discovered independence, a fair amount of whining, and one burned oven mitt. i'll keep you posted on this one, too.
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there's the issue of work for me, too. i loved loved loved my job when i was pregnant with luke, couldn't imagine leaving it for anything--though i was completely committed to leaving no matter what. i remember realizing about a month into my new career as a mom that i could never have dreamt of looking back. what i was doing was so much more important, so much more fulfilling, so much more challenging, so much more wonderful. this time, i find myself yet again in a job that i love and can't imagine giving up, and due to its flexibility and much less significant time commitment, i'm not planning to. i haven't--and don't expect to--quite figured out the long-term logistics for what that means, but up until recently, i've felt completely confident that i'll be able to work that out. but then i start wondering what i'm going to feel like when anastasia is here and is suddenly renewing my whole world. speaking of keeping you posted...
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the superbowl is on today, and my boys are at a boys-only party. i couldn't be more delighted. emailing, facebooking, blogging, reading, napping...so far, soooo good. and they've only been gone an hour!
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i'm remembering now why pregnancy has to last the whole nine months. if it didn't get really miserable, there's no way you'd be ready for the logical conclusion. if it ended at six or seven months, you would in no way be prepared for labor and childbirth and newborn life. but right now, right around the last month, i'm starting to remember how to be ready for all that: i'm up for just about anything that will put an end to this. ask me in a few weeks, and that "just about anything" will be a solid "anything." bring it on.
at the same time, i'm also quite sure i don't know how to be prepared for the unknown that is to come. Lord willing, anastasia will be healthy and happy and all will go well...but i know full well that this time, that's not all there is to it. there are bound to be significant emotions wrapped up in her arrival related to eliza's birth and life that sam, luke, and i cannot anticipate. i know what i don't know: what will it be like to deliver anastasia at the very same hospital where eliza spent the first ten weeks of her life, right next door to the nicu? will she look like eliza? what will it be like to bring her home right after her birth, escaping as it were that place that eliza fought for so long to escape? what will it feel like to dress her in eliza's clothes? what will it be like to have a baby girl that grows up healthily, Lord willing, unlike the big sister she never knew?
i know that i don't know the answers to those questions and many others like them. but i also know that there's lots more i don't even know to anticipate. there are questions and emotions i can't even imagine now that will no doubt come up. how can i prepare for the unknown? it feels like yet another opportunity--no, requirement--to trust in the One who does know. Lord, i believe; help my unbelief.
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this typing pause and deep breath brought to you by braxton hicks. (wow, they're rough this third time around.) which is to say nothing about the baby enduring them, who, for the record, seems to be less busy than her big brother but way stronger than her brother or sister. wow. watch out, world.
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another thing i think about a lot is being that mom. my children--the ones you'll see me with at the park or school or soccer field, anyhow--will be seven and a half years apart. sure, you're thinking, i know other families whose kids are that far apart. but think about why. there's always a story, i think; previous marriage, child out of wedlock, death of a parent or other family member, surprise pregnancy, or something else out of the ordinary. the fact is that people don't ordinarily plan to have their first child at age 25 and their second at 32. there's always a story. i'm realizing that i'll be that mom, the mom about whom people who don't know will wonder: what's the story there? she has one in middle school and one in preschool? her oldest is in college and the next isn't even in high school yet?
of course, there is a story. and if you're reading here, no doubt you know the gist of the story anyhow. but in some ways, anastasia's arrival in our family will make our story that much more transparent. there will be fewer and fewer places where i can hide from the fact that there even is a story at all (not that i do a whole lot of that anyhow!). that mom.
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next up: reading. or napping. but first I really need to get something to eat...
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