Wednesday, August 12, 2009

concerning expectations

as i left home a couple of days ago, to head over the river and through the woods, sam asked me if i was excited. when i expressed my reservations over how to spend the time, he admonished me to just go, not with expectations or plans or pressure to make it good. i'm a do-er, a task-oriented make-it-right-er, a capitalize-on-my-time-and-be-productive-er. er, you know what i mean. so to come out here without expectations was a challenge. i filled my car with projects: scrapbooking supplies and photos of eliza's entire life, several books, netbook, journal, phone numbers of friends with whom i've been wanting to catch up...

i'm down to my last hour here. i have slept (a lot), read (some, but not obsessively as i'm often inclined to do), scrapbooked (a little, though i've hardly made a dent), caught up with one dearest friend (a marathon phone call), hiked (far, but only once), explored a creek (despite my certainty i'd meet a snake), spent some sweet time with my quiet-retreat companion (including watching the hysterical "bad moon rising" episode of "everybody loves raymond" on a portable dvd player; if you're a woman or have ever known a woman with pms, you must watch it), taken some pictures (keep staying tuned: i've got to get home to my photo-editing software before i can post them), listened to a thunderstorm from the screened porch alongside the creek (as amazing as it sounds), eaten lots of ice cream (cookie dough), caught up on some emails (but not many), and enjoyed the quiet (immensely).

have i been productive? have i heard from God? have i had any revelations or insights? have i taken advantage of my escape? have i accomplished anything, practical or spiritual?

speaking for myself, i'd have to say no, not really. but i have been fed, somehow, by taking a break from feeling like i need to do the feeding all the time. and i have realized that it wasn't really ever about what i was going to accomplish out here, but about what He was going to do. has He done it?


i have been given a gift of rest. complete, unbroken rest, for two days now. i have been granted peace and quiet for these forty-eight hours. i have not lost sleep thinking, i have not pretended to be what i'm not, i have not counted bites or arranged playdates, i have not done laundry or cleaned up toys, i have not been ruled by the clock.

and in my lack of productivity, i trust that this sweet gift of rest has been stored up in my soul. have i heard from God? has He done it? i think so.


TwoSquareMeals said...

So glad it was good. He always does seem to do it, whatever it is, when I am alone with him in the mountains, by the creek, listening to a rainstorm from the cabin porch.

Cortney said...

it did feel like a marathon didn't it? I think God showed up even in our sprint and I am thankful that THAT conversation never has a finish and that we can keep running it together!

Rebecca said...

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15